MORE PROSPECT PROFILES~

Once again, the thanks for this article go squarely to that bald-headed bastion of creativity, reporting "live" from the "University" of Michigan. [Editor's note: University there is in speech marks because my sub-editor went to Michigan State. He has since been fired for holding up a 7-11, and replaced by a man who graduated with a double First from Oxford, who had previously only been tasked with making coffee and ensuring that the anchor from the local TV news team only drank enough for him to avoid the shakes but not be paralytic on camera.]

"Michael Hemsley
University of Michigan Wolverines

I try to speaks with Michael on eight days, but his girl friends say me "he ain't here, crazy mo'fucker's in the hospital". I ask why he go to medical house, and they tell "guy drank some strong shit". I wonder why he drink poo, but go hospital anyways. The nurses there very rude, they say "go away! This is a sterile environment! You could have just infected the entire hospital!" I try say sorry and give Michael the gifts I brings him, but they call policemenists and I get arrest. Head policeman sheriff say "son, you're looking at ten to fifteen years, minimum! Who sold you the coke?" I tell them "You want coka? I go Wal-Mart and get some," then they hit me. It hurt. I get puts in a big cell with a lots of big man, but my good Canadian friend Wade Belak give me some advice in Toronto. He say "if y'ever get stuck in a holdin' cell f'being drunk n'disordly, find the smallest guy there and punch him right in the face, eh. T'others'll think you're a right hard bastard". I ask where he know this from, and he say "Oz". So I tries his advice, but the smallest man there was six feets tall and he and his friends hurt me. I gets released from prison later and go back to medical house with broke bones, and they puts me next to Michael, so I says "Michael, how you like Buffalo?" He whispers to mes "I want morphine...I think I'm dying here," then vomit ups blood. Overall, Michael must be verys good hockey player because I hear doctor say they were short-handeds and that Michael might kill the penalty. I think. I knows he say something about Michael and some dies."

We here would like to ask anybody who can make more sense out of that to call us immediately. We've sent Mats to Hawaii, it's the only place they'll understand hims...er, him.