2012 Predraft Wrap-Up (Part One)

Before we begin, it's important to note that these views are not just based on our own, absolutely true and solidly-based prejudices; the moment the first round of the draft went into the books, our Carolina-based comrades got to work and churned out a neat list of the attributes of all thirty picks that...well, basically confirmed everything we've ever said. Yes, even Mats Sundin's analysis of the Creature from Beyond was true, we were just as shocked as you.

#1) Jouko Vaijarvi, Goaltender, Calgary Flames
Remember kids, tanking is bad...except if you get the chance to draft a goalie like this. Ari Schacter's tanking ass picked up a player that even we have to admit is fucking fantastic, despite every instinct in our body being to mock and deride him for being a coke addict. I know the Finnish police say it was purely circumstantial evidence, but you can't spell "addict" without...at least four of the letters in circumstantial. His birth records are sketchy, but we like to think this kid is the result of Martin Brodeur's sperm being implanted into Terry Sawchuk's daughter.

#2) Tomas Dellenbrant, Winger, Buffalo Sabres
Bwaha, imagine a stadium full of people killing themselves and you'll get the impression.

#3) Kyle DeRose, Defenseman, Chicago Blackhawks
DeRose is a great, great prospect. Unfortunately, he's gone to Chicago, where good players go to suck, get fat, get signed to ridiculously huge extensions so they can suck some more and eventually get dumped in the minors. RIP Kyle DeRose's potential, we didn't know ye.

#4) Brad Lee, Winger, Vancouver Canucks
When picked, the Canucks general manager thought that the appropriate thing to do was imply that his newest acquisition was going to become Brad Shaindlin's gay love-slave. Others believe it was merely a metaphor but trust us, we know better.

#5) Steve Connolly, Winger, New York Islanders
Speaking of things nobody else caught, anybody else see Steve wipe his hand on his new jersey after shaking Jeff Holst's hand? Come on, you know you saw it really. Come on...

#6) Igor Koikov, Centre, Calgary Flames
This pick was actually Calgary's own. We say again - remember kids, tanking IS bad. It IS. Honestly.

#7) Maxim Miroschichenko, Winger, Pittsburgh Penguins
Hailing from the backwater boonies of Russia, there's barely anything to say about Max except that he has the most complicated name in ITC history. It's worse than Vaijarvi. It's worse than Bouwmeester. It's even worse than Zahajsky.

#8) Charles Goulet, Winger, Toronto Maple Leafs
There's been no word yet on his singing abilities, but he's shown himself to be an awful skater. It's true, we saw it on Youtube, it must be true.

#9) Sergei Filippov, Defenseman, Anaheim Ducks
Oh, Russian defensemen. When will you start being good? Yes Denis Ezhov, that WAS directed at you.

#10) Erick Carvey, Winger, New York Rangers
Fun fact, this should have been our pick. It should have been, but then our illustrious manager thought "picks? the future? lol who needs them?". What a cunt.