Once again, the thanks for this article go squarely to that bald-headed bastion of creativity, reporting "live" from the "University" of Michigan. [Editor's note: University there is in speech marks because my sub-editor went to Michigan State. He has since been fired for holding up a 7-11, and replaced by a man who graduated with a double First from Oxford, who had previously only been tasked with making coffee and ensuring that the anchor from the local TV news team only drank enough for him to avoid the shakes but not be paralytic on camera.]
"Michael Hemsley
University of Michigan Wolverines
I try to speaks with Michael on eight days, but his girl friends say me "he ain't here, crazy mo'fucker's in the hospital". I ask why he go to medical house, and they tell "guy drank some strong shit". I wonder why he drink poo, but go hospital anyways. The nurses there very rude, they say "go away! This is a sterile environment! You could have just infected the entire hospital!" I try say sorry and give Michael the gifts I brings him, but they call policemenists and I get arrest. Head policeman sheriff say "son, you're looking at ten to fifteen years, minimum! Who sold you the coke?" I tell them "You want coka? I go Wal-Mart and get some," then they hit me. It hurt. I get puts in a big cell with a lots of big man, but my good Canadian friend Wade Belak give me some advice in Toronto. He say "if y'ever get stuck in a holdin' cell f'being drunk n'disordly, find the smallest guy there and punch him right in the face, eh. T'others'll think you're a right hard bastard". I ask where he know this from, and he say "Oz". So I tries his advice, but the smallest man there was six feets tall and he and his friends hurt me. I gets released from prison later and go back to medical house with broke bones, and they puts me next to Michael, so I says "Michael, how you like Buffalo?" He whispers to mes "I want morphine...I think I'm dying here," then vomit ups blood. Overall, Michael must be verys good hockey player because I hear doctor say they were short-handeds and that Michael might kill the penalty. I think. I knows he say something about Michael and some dies."
We here would like to ask anybody who can make more sense out of that to call us immediately. We've sent Mats to Hawaii, it's the only place they'll understand hims...er, him.
Monday, 3 December 2007
PROSPECT PROFILES~
We here at the Buffalo News are keen believers in the phrase "Anything you can do, we can do so much better it makes you want to kill yourself", and since some of our less-reputable "friends" around the league have elected to move in on one of our many rackets, we see it as only fair to move in on theirs. Hence, profiles of the various young Sabres. We did, initially, have a spot of trouble finding guys to do these without degenerating into pieces of hate speech about our illustrious manager, but that problem was bypassed by finding a Swedish man to talk about The Creature From The Black Latrine and translating his gibberish. It did have to be edited - a LOT - before it was publishable, but it really was a small price to pay. Enjoy.
"Tomas Dellenbrant
Frolunda Goteburg
Tomas is a very good friend of mine. He scores lots of goals back home in Sweden for his team. This makes me sad as he makes me go in goal for him to score against. Tomas is very fast also. He can skate more fast than any man in Stockholm and so the many beautiful Swedish girls chase after him for his seed. But he is faster than them and so escapes every time. He has long hair, like that beautiful Swedish man Skwisgaar Skwigelf, but he cannot play the guitar as well. Tomas is a very very good player and will win the Rockets Richards many times. I speak to Tomas and he say "yo wigga, what up with yo ass". I ask him "Tomas are you liking going to America and playing for good America teams?" Tomas say "fo sho mo fucker, i gon shoot dey ass full of caps n shit". Tomas like your gangsters rapp, he very much like the new Two Pack singles we get here yesterday, he say "man, tupac so fuckin illin, nigga don got sum skillz son". Tomas say he hope he meet gorgeous America woman in your Buffalos and can have many beautiful Swedish babies. He very like your Britney Spear, he say "yo dat fuckin bitch got sum PHAT ASS son".
For that piece of literary excellence, you have our hockey correspondent Mats Sundin to thank. Mats is currently flying to the University of Michigan to talk to Buffalo's other first-round pick this year, Michael Hemsley. For those of you who don't understand his references or his transcript of HIS rantings,
don't be too concerned. We didn't either.
"Tomas Dellenbrant
Frolunda Goteburg
Tomas is a very good friend of mine. He scores lots of goals back home in Sweden for his team. This makes me sad as he makes me go in goal for him to score against. Tomas is very fast also. He can skate more fast than any man in Stockholm and so the many beautiful Swedish girls chase after him for his seed. But he is faster than them and so escapes every time. He has long hair, like that beautiful Swedish man Skwisgaar Skwigelf, but he cannot play the guitar as well. Tomas is a very very good player and will win the Rockets Richards many times. I speak to Tomas and he say "yo wigga, what up with yo ass". I ask him "Tomas are you liking going to America and playing for good America teams?" Tomas say "fo sho mo fucker, i gon shoot dey ass full of caps n shit". Tomas like your gangsters rapp, he very much like the new Two Pack singles we get here yesterday, he say "man, tupac so fuckin illin, nigga don got sum skillz son". Tomas say he hope he meet gorgeous America woman in your Buffalos and can have many beautiful Swedish babies. He very like your Britney Spear, he say "yo dat fuckin bitch got sum PHAT ASS son".
For that piece of literary excellence, you have our hockey correspondent Mats Sundin to thank. Mats is currently flying to the University of Michigan to talk to Buffalo's other first-round pick this year, Michael Hemsley. For those of you who don't understand his references or his transcript of HIS rantings,
don't be too concerned. We didn't either.
2012 Predraft Wrap-Up (Part One)
Before we begin, it's important to note that these views are not just based on our own, absolutely true and solidly-based prejudices; the moment the first round of the draft went into the books, our Carolina-based comrades got to work and churned out a neat list of the attributes of all thirty picks that...well, basically confirmed everything we've ever said. Yes, even Mats Sundin's analysis of the Creature from Beyond was true, we were just as shocked as you.
#1) Jouko Vaijarvi, Goaltender, Calgary Flames
Remember kids, tanking is bad...except if you get the chance to draft a goalie like this. Ari Schacter's tanking ass picked up a player that even we have to admit is fucking fantastic, despite every instinct in our body being to mock and deride him for being a coke addict. I know the Finnish police say it was purely circumstantial evidence, but you can't spell "addict" without...at least four of the letters in circumstantial. His birth records are sketchy, but we like to think this kid is the result of Martin Brodeur's sperm being implanted into Terry Sawchuk's daughter.
#2) Tomas Dellenbrant, Winger, Buffalo Sabres
Bwaha, imagine a stadium full of people killing themselves and you'll get the impression.
#3) Kyle DeRose, Defenseman, Chicago Blackhawks
DeRose is a great, great prospect. Unfortunately, he's gone to Chicago, where good players go to suck, get fat, get signed to ridiculously huge extensions so they can suck some more and eventually get dumped in the minors. RIP Kyle DeRose's potential, we didn't know ye.
#4) Brad Lee, Winger, Vancouver Canucks
When picked, the Canucks general manager thought that the appropriate thing to do was imply that his newest acquisition was going to become Brad Shaindlin's gay love-slave. Others believe it was merely a metaphor but trust us, we know better.
#5) Steve Connolly, Winger, New York Islanders
Speaking of things nobody else caught, anybody else see Steve wipe his hand on his new jersey after shaking Jeff Holst's hand? Come on, you know you saw it really. Come on...
#6) Igor Koikov, Centre, Calgary Flames
This pick was actually Calgary's own. We say again - remember kids, tanking IS bad. It IS. Honestly.
#7) Maxim Miroschichenko, Winger, Pittsburgh Penguins
Hailing from the backwater boonies of Russia, there's barely anything to say about Max except that he has the most complicated name in ITC history. It's worse than Vaijarvi. It's worse than Bouwmeester. It's even worse than Zahajsky.
#8) Charles Goulet, Winger, Toronto Maple Leafs
There's been no word yet on his singing abilities, but he's shown himself to be an awful skater. It's true, we saw it on Youtube, it must be true.
#9) Sergei Filippov, Defenseman, Anaheim Ducks
Oh, Russian defensemen. When will you start being good? Yes Denis Ezhov, that WAS directed at you.
#10) Erick Carvey, Winger, New York Rangers
Fun fact, this should have been our pick. It should have been, but then our illustrious manager thought "picks? the future? lol who needs them?". What a cunt.
#1) Jouko Vaijarvi, Goaltender, Calgary Flames
Remember kids, tanking is bad...except if you get the chance to draft a goalie like this. Ari Schacter's tanking ass picked up a player that even we have to admit is fucking fantastic, despite every instinct in our body being to mock and deride him for being a coke addict. I know the Finnish police say it was purely circumstantial evidence, but you can't spell "addict" without...at least four of the letters in circumstantial. His birth records are sketchy, but we like to think this kid is the result of Martin Brodeur's sperm being implanted into Terry Sawchuk's daughter.
#2) Tomas Dellenbrant, Winger, Buffalo Sabres
Bwaha, imagine a stadium full of people killing themselves and you'll get the impression.
#3) Kyle DeRose, Defenseman, Chicago Blackhawks
DeRose is a great, great prospect. Unfortunately, he's gone to Chicago, where good players go to suck, get fat, get signed to ridiculously huge extensions so they can suck some more and eventually get dumped in the minors. RIP Kyle DeRose's potential, we didn't know ye.
#4) Brad Lee, Winger, Vancouver Canucks
When picked, the Canucks general manager thought that the appropriate thing to do was imply that his newest acquisition was going to become Brad Shaindlin's gay love-slave. Others believe it was merely a metaphor but trust us, we know better.
#5) Steve Connolly, Winger, New York Islanders
Speaking of things nobody else caught, anybody else see Steve wipe his hand on his new jersey after shaking Jeff Holst's hand? Come on, you know you saw it really. Come on...
#6) Igor Koikov, Centre, Calgary Flames
This pick was actually Calgary's own. We say again - remember kids, tanking IS bad. It IS. Honestly.
#7) Maxim Miroschichenko, Winger, Pittsburgh Penguins
Hailing from the backwater boonies of Russia, there's barely anything to say about Max except that he has the most complicated name in ITC history. It's worse than Vaijarvi. It's worse than Bouwmeester. It's even worse than Zahajsky.
#8) Charles Goulet, Winger, Toronto Maple Leafs
There's been no word yet on his singing abilities, but he's shown himself to be an awful skater. It's true, we saw it on Youtube, it must be true.
#9) Sergei Filippov, Defenseman, Anaheim Ducks
Oh, Russian defensemen. When will you start being good? Yes Denis Ezhov, that WAS directed at you.
#10) Erick Carvey, Winger, New York Rangers
Fun fact, this should have been our pick. It should have been, but then our illustrious manager thought "picks? the future? lol who needs them?". What a cunt.
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